Welcome To The Death Cafe!

Cast your mind back to the start of the year and our Big Personality, Rachel Weiss from Rowan Consultancy. You’ll remember her as a woman whose life has run along parallel tracks of great trepidation and boundless joy.  In her day job as a counsellor she has spent many hours helping people deal with their innermost thoughts and feelings on many, many subjects, including the inevitable topic of death and the grief that often walks hand-in-hand with the loss of a loved one.

So when I saw her sharing a post about a ‘Death Café’ I felt sure it must be a new, right-on term for a bereavement group.  Curiosity piqued, I was on email to her asking about this oddly named gathering. 

It turns out I was entirely wrong about the nature of the group; at a Death Café people from all walks of life and of all ages and stages, can gather to eat cake, drink tea and discuss death and all that it means to them.   The idea is a social franchise, meaning it’s not for profit and is there simply to help people come together and talk about this often taboo subject.  It has no agenda or themes and at a Death Café the only objective is 'to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives'.

Very interesting! I’ve always had a fascination for death (I think you do when you lose a parent at a young age), but without the faith of organised religion, it is difficult subject to talk about. In Scotland and throughout the UK there is a definite brushing aside of this type of ‘morbid’ chat and yet, it is the only one of life’s milestones that comes with any certainty.  To find an outlet for those who are happy to discuss mortality without any judgement or religious expectation is, I think, surprisingly refreshing. 

I caught up with Rachel, and her friends, Johanna and John who are helping her organise Perth’s first Death Café at Blend Coffee Shop in the Old High Street.    John is a bereavement consultant and Johanna  is an adventurer and a retired psychotherapist but the trio are quick to point out that this is NOT a therapy session.

“It’s absolutely NOT a bereavement group although if anyone who has experienced loss wants to come along and chat, then they can. It’s really important that people realise that this isn’t going to be three professionals leading a session. It’s a group led discussion and we honestly don’t know what will come up, what direction it will take or even how many people might appear!”

So how did it start then? Well, Rachel read about a Death Café in Edinburgh and as she explored the concept she felt compelled to try out the idea in Perth. 

“I’ve always felt that as a nation we don’t discuss death freely enough and yet it is something that we all experience at various stages in our lives. There are lots of agencies that work around death and of course, anyone with a faith might discuss it in term s of religion, but there are many, many other feelings and thoughts that stem from death.

I think one of the reasons we don’t chat about it is because we think ‘If we don’t talk about this, then it won’t happen.’  But of course it will happen so why not make it easier by talking?”

The Death Café concept was set up in 2011 and its success - there have been over 1700 held worldwide - made it an obvious model to follow.  Eager to make it accessible to all, the trio were impressed with the simple, non-obtrusive style that other organisers had nurtured and developed.

“This can’t be commercial or draped in religion or be about therapy. It might very well touch on all of those aspects but the point is that it must remain neutral and be led by the group.  I’m sure there will be many stories, many questions and possibly even some jokes. Our own guidance has been to open with ‘Why have you come?’ and take it from there.”

Johanna reflects on the fact that we often find it easier to discuss Big Stuff with strangers; you may not feel ready to tell your loved ones you’d like buried at sea but you’ll happily tell a group of outsiders. I know what she means. My friend Pauline and I will often play the ‘Funeral Song Game’ after a few drinks and yet I have never discussed this properly with my family and it certainly isn’t documented anywhere.  

Why is it easier to chat about this informally or with strangers then? Well, as John rightly points out, it is one of the few things that EVERYONE has in common.

“We are so good at saving lives and prolonging lives now, but the fact remains that we will all have to die of something. So talking about death also helps us appreciate the quality of life rather than the length of life.”

Rachel, Johanna  and John are all as unsure as you probably are as to what might happen at this event; the people who come along on the night will be the ones to create it, will determine whether there is a second event and will set the tone and pace of the conversation.  The only rules in place are there to allow an open conversation to take place; so everyone should be respectful, understand that there will be many passionate points of view and know that it is possible they will leave having agreed to disagree about certain points. Above all, people will inevitably chat about personal matters and confidentiality is crucial. 

Find out more about how Death Cafe started on their website here.

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The event is on Monday 27th April and will run from 6pm to 8pm at Blend Cafe in Perth. There is no charge for attending. Anyone coming along will be able to buy tea, coffee and the usual tempting array of baked goods from Blend.  You will be made to feel welcome whether you decide to stay for five minutes or the full two hours.

If you’re planning to come along then Rachel has asked that you drop her an email so that she might have some indication of numbers. (Who knows how popular Death might be?!) 

Rachel | rowan@rowan-consultancy.co.uk